This post describes how to stop people pleasing, and start living for you. Change your behavior to focus on yourself and shift your lifestyle to grow as an individual.
Disclosure: I am not a licensed mental health professional. If you have any questions or concerns about your health, reach out to a licensed provider.
What is a “People Pleaser”?
A people pleaser is someone who pleases others before themselves. Some examples of people pleasing are difficulty saying “no”, avoiding conflict at your own expense, or dismissing your own comfort to make others comfortable. Overall, people pleasing prioritizes others over yourself. The negative effects of this behavior are lower self esteem, and loss of independence or sense of self.
Why You Are a People Pleaser
People pleasing can stem from multiple sources. In early years of life, children are typically taken care of to receive their basic needs. If a child feels their survival is threatened through neglectful actions, they may fall into people pleasing behaviors. This behavior keeps a positive relationship with a primary caregiver to receive those basic needs. This can carry into adulthood where this behavior is no longer needed for survival. People who exhibit people pleasing can also just be compassionate individuals that care deeply for others. Fear of not being liked by others, and fear of rejection are also roots of people pleasing. Click here to read more about the root of people pleasing behaviors from Labyrinth Healing.
Common Misconceptions
Individuals may feel under-appreciated and as if everyone around them expects them to do everything. This is a common misconception that people pleasing behavior causes. This is an internal mindset that must be addressed within yourself and has nothing to do with people around you. You are not responsible for taking care of others before yourself. You must shift your mindset in order to focus on your own needs and grow as a person. Changing your behavior does not mean you shouldn’t help others in need. The realization that you can help others without neglecting yourself is the key to a healthier mindset.
Choose Yourself and Stop Feeling Bad About It
Many people pleasers will agree that sense of self slowly diminishes from this behavior. Eventually, you don’t know who you are or what you want out of life, because you are focused on making sure everyone around you is comfortable. Setting your feelings aside to please others lowers your self esteem by telling yourself that your feelings are not important enough to prioritize. Stop telling yourself no. You are the most important person in your life. By showing yourself respect, others will recognize this and treat you with more respect.
Boundaries
Setting firm boundaries is a way to put yourself first, and without these you will continue to feel under-appreciated and as if people are taking advantage of you. If you do not stand up for yourself, people will be comfortable walking all over you. Everyone is on their own path, and it is in their best interest to go through things to become stronger. In life, your job is to do what is best for you. You will never be liked by everyone, and you do not have to be liked by everyone. Start liking yourself because that is the only opinion that truly matters. Showing your personality and opinions makes you unique, which holds the most value in an individual.
Honesty
People pleasing leads to dishonesty. You’ll find yourself lying or altering your opinions to avoid conflict. Agreeing with everyone makes you a puppet and you’ll say whatever they want to hear even if it isn’t the truth. Real people want the truth, even if they don’t agree. Fake people like spending time with someone who tells them only what they want to hear. If you lie to be agreeable, you will attract fake people. You will be more trustworthy when you stop people pleasing behaviors, and real people will appreciate your honesty.
Negative Response
Adjusting this behavior may trigger a negative response in people close to you. Over time, people may expect benefits from you because you were always available to them when they wanted something. This can occur with friends or family. Choosing yourself over someone else is necessary for growth and development, and is not selfish. The only people who will be upset with your behavioral changes when you stop people pleasing are those who you are useful to. No one who truly loves and supports you will be upset when you start choosing yourself.
How to Stop People Pleasing
- Realize your people pleasing behavior.
- Make a conscious decision to choose yourself.
- Accept and embrace who you are.
- Set clear, firm boundaries.
- Identify your priorities.
- Say no if something interferes with your self-work or development, you do not owe an explanation.
- Focus inward and work on what YOU want for yourself.
Once you start choosing yourself, your life will shift. The more you recognize and embrace that you care about yourself, the goals and plans you have will start manifesting. This process will not happen overnight. You must work hard to change your behaviors and way of thinking to truly stop people pleasing. You are not selfish, you are growing and developing your own power.
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